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Twelve Reasons a Movie Should Never be a First Date

Twelve Reasons a Movie Should Never be a First Date

12. You can’t pay attention to the movie

Dates are pretty goddamned stressful experiences. You’re constantly trying to figure out how to act, what to say, where to put your arms, and if and when it’s okay to try and kiss her. They’re absurdly complex, needlessly aggravating social constructs that cause many to go into nervous breakdowns.

In other words, they’re not terribly conducive to a true movie-watching environment. You can’t pay attention to things like character arcs or symbolism when you’re too busy worrying about whether putting your hand on hers would be too forward at this point in the date, or if sticking your penis into the popcorn tub will either be a hilarious joke or just burn really badly.

11. Movie theaters are too almost-romantic

A darkened room with soft seats, smelling faintly of popcorn and dreams, warm and moist with human body temperature. It almost makes one think of sex, given the right date, but the obviously unsexy aspects of movie theaters — stains, spills, the fact that a fucking movie is actually playing — make the place a not-quite-romantic way to spend two hours. One part of your body is ready to engage in a ravenous makeout session with the person sitting next to you, while the other worries about how long it’s been since these seats were sanitized.

10. It’s fucking expensive

Nobody ever just goes to a movie on a date. It’s always dinner and a movie. You can do just dinner, but you can never do just a movie. This means you’ll be spending around fifty to a hundred dollars in a single night, on someone you’ve never even taken out on a date before! Throw in popcorn and candy and maybe IMAX tickets if the movie’s available there, and you’ve got the potential to waste a shitload of money on a first date that might not ever lead to a second.

9. The floors are sticky

And that shit is not sexy. Just pointing it out.

8. You can’t ask for your money back

Now, you can, technically, ask for your money back from the box office before the film’s halfway point if it really, really sucks. But you definitely can’t do that on a date. You’ll just plain look cheap. There’s no turning back if you see a crap film: that money is gone for good.

7. Movies are nerdier than other date possibilities

Dates are moments to be impressive. You can take her mini-golfing, and show her you’ve got a sense of humor whilst doing something mildly athletic. You can take her rock climbing, and show respect for her thrill-seeking ability. You can go to a carnival, and try to regress back to the simple wonder and fun you had as children.

Or, you can take her to a movie and just sort of sit and stare at fictional stories for a few hours.

Of all the things you could possibly do on a first date to impress someone, why take them to a movie? The best dates say, “I’m adventurous,” or, “I’m intelligent,” or “I’m compassionate.” Taking someone to the movies just says, “I like movies.” So what?

6. Two hours is a long time to sit around someone you might despise

Anyone who has been on a blind date knows the feeling: the person you’ve chosen to spend the night with is either really ugly, or your political opposite, or has an abhorrent personality, but you’ve still got to spend the next few hours alongside them because the date has already been arranged.

A crappy dinner, you can always leave early and split the check. A lame trip to a sporting event, you can sneak out. A movie, as previously mentioned, you cannot escape from if you’re the one who paid. Not just your money is gone, but your time, as well: you might possibly have to spend 120 minutes sitting next to the Overweight Racist Demon Date from Hell just because you chose to go to a movie instead of somethign more easily-escapable.

5. Good movies are usually not romantic

No Country for Old Men is probably one of the most incredible movies ever made, but it’s not really something that says “hey, let’s have giddy, experimental sex afterward” to your date. Reservoir Dogs is not a film that inspires cuddling, and The Godfather isn’t exactly the feel-good movie of the century.

Great films are about loss and horror and evil and triumph and sacrifice, and these are the exact things that are not remotely romantic on a first date. After you know where your date stands, sure: take her out to No Country and have a nihilistic good time, then spend the rest of the night contemplating it and trying not to think about Chigurh. If you’ve just met the chick, however, then perhaps a truly great film would simply be too emotionally overwhelming for a first date.

4. Shitty movies infect everything around them with shittiness

Conversely, something like Delta Farce or Madagascar 2 will infuriate both you and your date so much that the entire date will be ruined: the film upon which you were relying on for the quality of your entire date betrayed you, and essentially wasted a combined four hours of your and your date’s lives. Both will be angry, and whoever chose the movie will be blamed by the other, even if that person paid. Unfortunately, the evil of shitty movies can invade your date and ruin it from the inside out.

3. Wall-E will be way more adorable than whomever you’re dating

I know what you’re thinking. “Oh,” you say. “I’ll take this girl I really like to see Wall-E! It’s cute, it’s funny, and it’s a love story so she’ll think I’m really sensitive and want to give me kisses!”

Wrong.

The inherent problem with watching Wall-E is that almost every robot in that movie is at least fifteen times more adorable than you, or anyone you know, will ever be. Wall-E is the single cutest creature ever committed to film, Eve is a cute iPod-looking thing, and M-O steals the goddamn show in the very few scenes he in. Wall-E is an adorable movie, yes, but it’s so adorable that when it’s done, your date won’t be thinking about you — they’ll be thinking about seeing Wall-E again. You will have enjoyed yourself as well, but you’ll also have been officially cockblocked by a three-foot-tall metal box with no elbows.

2. It’s obvious

Women hate cliches, and considering the actual idea of a “date” is quickly being phased out in favor of drunken, passion-fueled hookups at substance-filled parties, maintaining originality is priority one. The “dinner and a movie” date is literally as old as movies themselves. Why would you want to choose the most standard, boring date possibility in the history of date possibilities? Why not bring her a heart-shaped box of chocolates and some flowers, while you’re at it?

1. It doesn’t allow for conversation

With all the etiquette and rules and nervousness that accompanies a first date, it’s easy to forget what they’re actually for: getting to know the other person. With that in mind, can you literally think of a worse way to spend two hours with someone you’re attracted to than sitting next to them for two hours in a dark room, literally without ever making eye contact?

Dates should be about conversation, and not just about some stupid movie you just saw. They’re meant to be about figuring the other person out, finding out what they’re like, who they are. In this sense, a movie is the ultimate distraction from the true meaning of a date: you’ve technically gone out, and you’ve technically shared one another’s company, but you haven’t actually done anything. Nothing is risked, and thus, nothing is gained. It’s a silly waste of time and money.

Why not take her to a monster truck rally instead?

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