A lot of you out there at some point will decide it’s cool to turn your dick over to a girl and stick to monogamy. Good for you. You’re the people who keep our world populated, natural resources depleted, and planet generally over-saturated. If you find yourself in such a predicament, about six months after the extensive texting, dates, and cuddling ends, you may feel like lip-syncing Justin Bieber is more enjoyable than enduring the droning conversation of your significant other. It’s a delicate stage. Since girls’ noses can sense a break-up miles away, they’ll either go bang the whole hockey team (“because I was scared you were cheating on me!”) or suffocate you to the point where you just want to run.
There are tons of articles out there letting you know if your ball and chain is cheating on you. I’m not the master of figuring that out, though I’ll point out it probably wouldn’t happen to me; I’m extremely good looking and generically perfect. However, I do know when you need to end the relationship and release yourself back into the wild. A good place to do that by the way would be at one of our BroBible tailgates, where the beer is almost as plentiful as the daddy issues. Here’s 10 indicators it’s time to cut and run.
1. She consistently checks your e-mail/texts.
I hate this. Chicks feel like they’re allowed to pry into everything you do. You come home and she’s on your Gmail, reading your chats (where inevitably you are reminiscing about some past conquest), and then starts a fight about what she reads there. You could be a saint, but if at one point you even mention someone with a vagina, she’s all over you. The worst is when her “cellphone dies” and after she rings her crazy friend, she’s casually scrolling through your texts. No one wants to feel like their girlfriend is the warden at Shawshank, peeping you in the library and all that crazy shit.
2. Your salary is divided in half.
College Bros, don’t worry too much about this, all you have to do to slay ass is invite girls to date functions and finger blast them on the frat dance floor. In the real world of $12 beers and $19 margaritas, things get complicated. What do I mean by this title? I have a friend who pulls bank working in finance thanks to some shady “Boiler Room” operation. He makes a hefty salary and has been dating his girlfriend for two years. That’s an eternity to most of us. She easily cuts his loot in half. While he’s at work she’s “working on art for a gallery.” Dude, you know who you are: that’s code that your hipster, art-degree, huge-sunglasses-wearing girlfriend of yours is dropping money on 30-year-old vintage records of prog rock bands I’ve never heard of. After two years, girlfriends should not be considering your credit card hers. I’m all for giving, but that savings account won’t be giving you BJs if she ups and leaves one day. It doesn’t refill itself.
3. She put on more than 10 pounds.
My e-mail is going to get butt raped from girls about this one. O.K., so you spackle some girl late night and then decide you want to date her. That’s cool, because she’s a 919 and kills it in yoga pants and la la. Then, three months in, it’s winter and she “got stuck in her routine at the gym.” Instead of switching up the workout, she wants to spend more time on the couch with you. What makes it worse is if she starts picking up your eating habits. Now she’s 10 pounds heavier and it’s not as cool to drill for oil from behind. You know you want to say something, but you treasure your balls and know she could derail them if you mention it. How do you do it? You could just buy her a membership to Equinox so she’s surrounded by super hot and fit girls and inspired to become them. Girls, you have to stay hot to keep your Bro. Look at that dude from 98 degrees, pounded the religion out of Jessica Simpson, and bailed before she started ingesting Frappucinos.
4. She has awful friends.
This is my curse. I find a decently cool girl who knows more than five NHL players and whose mouth performs like a Dyson and then I meet her friends for a second time. The first time the friends have heard such great shit about your body, cock, and mind that they are all about you. Second time in, you’re just another dude who they can ask about guys with. I fuckin’ hate this. They think I’m the bro version of Dr. Phil who can explain why a dude didn’t give her his lax pinney (perhaps because it’s from an exclusive Nike Blue Chip summer camp?). Then her friends start asking why you never want to hang out, and suddenly you’re in the dog house. Let me tell you this, a chick will never leave her friends and if she did abandon them she probably sucks anyway. You’ll never get along with them, the best you can hope for is that one actually wants to bang you after you break up.
5. You’re moving.
I don’t have a distance rule on this, but I do know if one of you is moving, it’s time to get out. Let’s say post-college you’re going to Murray Hill in New York City and she’s off to L.A. to chase her fanstasy of being the next Anne Hathaway. Here’s what will happen. If it’s post-May you’ll find some sundress girl and, after some Edward 40 Hands, find yourself putting those black marks on the wall from the bed. She’ll find some Cali Bro who eats only organic spinach for lunch and dinner who will be tossing more than salt water on her. It’s not worth it. Sure you can Skype and text, but that’s time consuming and Skype is not-Bro unless the girl gets naked within five minutes of calling. It’s just a rule.
6. She only hangs out with you.
This is the flip-to-the-friends example. Everyone knows how some guys justify their girlfriends: “Dude, she likes the (insert favorite team here), she has a great body, and totally is one of the guys.” Can I express my disdain for that line? If a chick is “one of the guys,” than she’s a dude. Not Bro. Even if the babe is knob gobbling all of your buddies during half-time and serving you beers, she is still not one of the guys. She’s a pretty cool girl whose daddy failed to pick her up from kindergarten enough. Anyway, if you find that your girlfriend only wants to hang out with you and your friends, you’re never going to have a Bros night out. You need one of those where you let loose, maybe genital karaoke with some stripper, who knows, but it’s needed.
7. The blowjobs stop.
This really should be number one. I’ve heard horror stories of girls who give dome like Tori Black and then once they lock the guy down, they use pole tasting as “an incentive.” This ultimate Bro I knew would only get blowies if he scored more than two goals on attack. Yes, it kind of sounds like “Blue Mountain State” but it’s true. Sure, it’s cool his girlfriend liked lax, but she should have been spending hours at the gym keeping her body for the laxer. Instead she’s like those annoying dudes at baseball games with scorecards. Blowies should never stop, especially if you’re giving her slip’n slide’s down there.
8. Her parents hate you.
Let’s say you’re three months in and you find out you’re about to meet the egg and sperm who created your little devil. You put on the button down, Sperrys, and Bob’s Khakis, and accompany her to dinner or wherever it may be. Next thing you know, poppa is asking you questions about your 401k and her Mom is judging you for being a frat guy. Sure, it could go the other way where her Mom is a MILF and the dad was a frat star, but that’s rare, unless you live in Mississippi. Seriously, all of you at Ole Miss have such sweet lives. If her Dad finds you awful, is it worth all the effort to change that? Is it worth trying to convince him by drinking his shitty scotch with him and converting teams just to approve your slaying of her? No. Not at all. This is your opportunity to get out. Plus, you can always say it was their fault. She won’t hate you as much.
9. She’s your age and you’re over 25.
I think by writing this article I’m asking to get awful feedback from girls. O.K, to the point: If you’re 26 and employed and okay looking, you should be blasting through the 21- to 23-year-old crowd. You’re sophisticated to them, perhaps you wear a Barbour instead of a Patagonia all the time. Maybe it’s the fact you have a job, who knows, but chicks love older dudes. Also, what are younger girls on the whole? In. Better. Shape. Simply enough they haven’t kicked back enough late-night pizzas and Bud-diesels (side rule: Bud-diesels kill a chick’s body, great American beer, but the great ruiner of tight legs). If you stay with your woman until 30, think of all the younger tail you could have chased, while your girlfriend got more bitter and started thinking more about children (take each child and imagine replacing it with a Ferrari; seriously, it’s how much they cost).
10. You’re going abroad.
College dudes: Go abroad. Classes are a joke and getting laid is beyond easy. If you go somewhere where they don’t speak English, suddenly you’ll have an accent. Bonus points to Southern accents in other countries, you might as well be Ricky Bobby at the peak of his Powerade sponsorship. I hate hearing about Johnny Dickhead who stayed with Sally Sorority when he went to Spain. He keeps his roommate up Skyping with her until the early morning, internationally BBMs her from the sites (OMG the statue is SO beautiful), when he could be drinking all day and learning rudimentary Spanish.